Why I'm fired up about reclaiming feminine energy when it comes to dating
It shouldn't be so revolutionary, but these days it totally is.
Two years ago I invited a friend over to my place for brunch and a walk around the lake (I don’t regret how different my life is now, but I do miss my lake walks 🥲).
At the time we were both single, both on the dating apps, and both going out on dates somewhat regularly, so we had plenty of stories to swap.
She’d just met someone she felt eager and excited about—a rarity, as we all know—and was outlining for me, as girls do, the timeline of their recent text exchanges. She really wanted to reach out to him again that day, but she’d been the one to initiate contact the last couple of times, so she wasn’t sure what to do.
I, someone you can always rely on for an opinion on such matters, firmly said: “No, I don’t think you should reach out this time. Give him some time and space to come to you. You’ll never know if or when he would have reached out if you’re initiating things too frequently.”
I’ll never forget her response, because quite frankly, it pissed me off: “But that sounds like playing games, and I don’t want to do that.”
So, come along as I dust off ye olde soapbox and wax poetic (or maybe just wax ragey) about why what I was suggesting to my friend that day—leaning into feminine energy—is so not the same thing as “playing games.”
I was brought back to that walk around the lake a few weeks ago, when I was on a coaching call giving a client very similar feedback. My client expressed the exact same fear—that in allowing a man she’s dating to take more initiative, she’d somehow be playing games.
While I haven’t polled hundreds of thousands of single, straight women about this, I fear that these two particular women are reflective of a deeper pattern. One I’d really like to unravel.
First, let’s (re)establish what feminine & masculine energy actually are.
I think I already summed it up pretty well in Chapter 6 (Part 2) of Forever Alone:
When I say “masculine” and “feminine” I don’t mean “male” and “female;” it’s not about gender, though most people who identify as male tend toward masculine energy, and most people who identify as female tend toward feminine energy. It’s a natural, hardwired preference for how you operate; how your energy best expresses itself.
Masculine energy is about doing. It’s building, striving, pushing, challenging. It’s competition. It’s quantity and metrics and logic. It’s about going out and achieving, conquering.
Feminine energy is about being. It’s ease, flow, and connection. It’s collaboration. It’s quality over quantity; intuition and feelings over logic. It’s about allowing; becoming a magnet that pulls things in, rather than hunts them down.
Masculine and feminine energy are equally important. And we all use both every day, to some degree. But most of us are hardwired to prefer one over the other. Except, much of how our society operates is very heavily skewed toward masculine—we tend to honor productivity and achievement and hard work. We don’t tend to celebrate people who did less because their body was crying out for rest, for example. We call them lazy.
Not to be inflammatory, but … I think the warping of feminism is one of the most insidious things that’s happened to women these past many decades.
Somehow, a lot of us have gotten the idea that for women to be truly equal to men, we have to become more like them.
But who exactly does that serve?
If a woman naturally wired for intuition starts dismissing that intuition in favor of being logical and rational, does that serve her? Or does that make her easier for her masculine boss or partner to “deal with?”
If a woman who prefers connection and collaboration over competition puts aside her desire to bring people together and instead starts pitting people against each other, whose agenda is that forwarding?
If a woman who thrives when she has space to rest and just be fears she’ll never be worthy or equal unless she’s doing-doing-doing and burns herself out at the altar of productivity, there are probably plenty of people benefitting from that … but certainly not HER.
I think one of the most radical things a woman aligned with feminine energy can do is to reject the toxic notion that she isn’t allowed to show up in the world according to her own values, preferences, and innate wiring.
Here’s what that can look like in a dating context.
If you’re someone naturally wired for feminine energy, it feels really good to be pursued in a healthy way; to be wooed, taken care of, and cherished. In other words, it feels energizing (and even healing) to sit back and receive.
It can be anxiety-inducing to allow yourself to receive, especially since so many of us have been programmed to reject that innate feminine preference. But here’s the good news: Someone wired for healthy masculine energy actually likes and wants to pursue you, woo you, and make you feel taken care of and cherished. It feels energizing (and again, maybe even healing) for them to be allowed to provide and give.
So, sitting back and allowing yourself to receive in a dating context might look like…
Allowing the man—or masculine energy person—to initiate daily communication a little more often than you do. Personally, I had a guideline for myself that I’d initiate communication one time for every two times a man did, and that worked well for me. It demonstrated how invested a man was in getting to know me, and how often he was thinking about me, which eased my mind and made me feel cared for. I didn’t always follow that guideline to the letter—I wasn’t rigid or neurotic about it—but I certainly never went above 50/50 when it came to communication (and in times past when I did do more of the initiation, I paid for it dearly in the form of anxiously chasing after men who were not serious, mature, or invested in me).
Letting the other person pay for dates, without fear that you’re giving your power away or hurtling womankind back to 1950. Allowing someone to provide for you in that way is a huge part of getting to feel cared for and cherished. No one is saying you can’t provide for yourself—of course you’re capable of that!—but that you’re choosing to let someone take care of you. Which is actually a pretty empowering feeling.
And again, someone with an equal-and-opposite level of masculine energy will enjoy the permission to woo you in that way. That doesn’t mean you can’t ever offer to split the bill, or pay for something yourself! The balance here never has to be 0/100. But not feeling bad, guilty, or disempowered for letting someone provide a nice experience is a huge win for feminine energy.
Sitting back and allowing the other person to make plans. As women raised in a patriarchal environment who often have to step into masculine energy in our careers, it’s second-nature for most of us to be skilled at making plans, creating deadlines, and executing accordingly. But in a dating context, strong-arming the plan-making doesn’t allow you to be in your feminine energy at all. And healthy masculine energy is wired to take charge! Which means if you get asked out on a date, the best reply might be something like: “I’d love to! I’m available this Saturday evening. I’ll let you make a plan. I’m here for feedback or ideas if you’d like them.”
And then—this can be SO hard, I know—release control and allow the plan-making to unfold. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to check in or state a boundary if necessary—”Hey, I’d love to know what the plan is for Saturday by Friday night, if possible, so I can make arrangements for a dog walker to stop by my place”—but by not over-inserting yourself into how the action unfolds, you get to see how good the other person is at making a plan that, once again, makes you feel seen, cared for, and special.
Keep in mind that a BIG part of what fuels attraction between two people is polarity—the magnetism between two opposite but complementary entities.
When you let yourself stay aligned with your feminine energy and preferences, you allow the masculine person to be their truest self, which feels really good—energizing, healing, and also sexy—but most importantly, that positive feedback loop is fueling. It’s a place where sparks, romance, and deep connection can thrive.
If we believe that we have to become more masculine in order to be empowered—or insist that balance means everything must always be 50/50 (the bills, the initiation, the date planning, etc.)—then we have zero polarity. Things quickly become bland, flat, dull, and decidedly unsexy.
Of course, know that feminine/masculine energy, like many states of being, exists on a spectrum. If you’re more heavily weighted toward feminine, your choices are allowed to be reflective of that. If you feel that you’re more mild-leaning in the feminine direction, your actions and expectations can adjust to match that wiring.
The bottom line, of course, is that you have permission to do what feels genuine and aligned to you. And to trust that if you proceed accordingly, you’ll attract a potential partner who is a balanced match to your energy—AKA, someone with whom you’ll have natural polarity.
Let’s get one last thing straight.
When my friend and later on my client expressed concern that leaning into their natural feminine energy would equate to “playing games,” what they were both really saying was:
I don’t want to be manipulative or controlling. I don’t want to behave immaturely or mess with someone’s thoughts and feelings.
Let’s make this abundantly clear, shall we?
There will never be anything manipulative, controlling, immature, or underhanded about taking action that aligns with your values and innate wiring.
Manipulation is what someone does when they’re attempting to coerce a particular feeling or action out of another person. Orienting yourself with how you’re truly wired, and acting accordingly, is not an attempt to control anyone else. It’s showing up as your truest self—which one could argue is the exact opposite of manipulative or immature—and observing how the person in question responds to that authenticity.
In fact, I might further argue that what’s more manipulative or controlling is behaving in a way that isn’t aligned with your true desires—AKA, a woman with a lot of feminine energy stepping into masculine energy from a place of lack, anxiety, fear, or frustration—in order to find a partner … a partner who then won’t know the real you.
The way I see it, the only way to find a true, solid romantic match is to give ourselves permission to show up as authentically as possible. If the other person complements our true selves, we know we’ve struck gold. And if they don’t, that’s fine! In that case, having the courage to be authentic allowed us to learn someone wasn’t a fit as soon as possible so that we could move onwards and upwards.
So, here’s to each and every one of us getting to be who we are—to want what we want, without shame or guilt—and to have the courage to act accordingly.
I’d love to know if I’m not the only one fired up about this. It’s something that’s been grinding my gears for a long time! Share your take with me, if this resonates with you (gentle reminder that paid subscribers have the option to leave comments on posts like these as well as post in our community thread).
And if you know someone who needs this particular message, please pass it along!