The 6 C's of Compatibility
Use this guide in your dating adventures to figure out whether someone has longterm potential
One of my biggest qualms about how we date nowadays—and there are many—is that we’re encouraged to date in ways that are completely misaligned with our values.
Bumble recently came under fire for a series of ads targeted at single women that brazenly discouraged those of us who choose to abstain from sex outside of committed relationships. Billboards popped up with statements like, “You know full well a vow of celibacy is not the answer” and “Thou shalt not give up on dating and become a nun.”
And I can’t count how often I, as well as friends and coaching clients, have been encouraged to “lighten up” and “be more accommodating” when it comes to dating, regardless of how misaligned that person would be for us—earlier today a client told me that a friend judged her for choosing not to go out with a man with completely opposing religious beliefs; as if my client being single in her late 30s means she’s no longer entitled to have non-negotiables and dealbreakers.
Obviously I wholeheartedly and loudly reject the idea that we aren’t allowed to have needs, desires, and preferences, no matter our age or relationship status.
Quite frankly, it’s just plain stupid not to. Because how on earth are you going to have a deep, fulfilling, healthy romantic relationship—something I’m assuming you want, if you’re reading this—if it’s not built on a foundation of real compatibility? Maybe fewer people would end up divorcing (or solider on for decades, not divorcing but not being anywhere close to satisfied, either) if we had the courage to seek out—and hold out for—true compatibility from the start.
But compatibility is tough to nail down. There are a lot of facets that go into determining whether you and another person have the potential to thrive together. And some are more important than others.
A few years ago I came up with a way to break down and define the important elements of compatibility. I used it to great success in my own dating life, and I’ve been using it with clients ever since!
I’m now happy to present to you Rachel’s Trademark-Pending (I mean, not really … but maybe I should?!) 6 C’s of Compatibility.
This list is in no particular order, though you’ll discover that I definitely lend more weight to some of these than others.
1. Common Interests
Be it skiing, reading, sewing, pickup soccer, watching history videos on YouTube, whatever—these are the things you enjoy spending time doing. And honestly, they’re the least important of this entire list.
And yet, unsurprisingly, they tend to get a LOT more emphasis than they deserve, especially on dating apps.
Yes, to a point, it’s important to share some common interests with your future partner. They’re a way to spend quality time together and bond over things you find mutually exciting and interesting.
But to quote one of my favorite movies, 500 Days of Summer:
“Just because she likes the same bizarro crap you do doesn’t make her your soulmate.”
You can’t build a life with someone just because you both like dogs. Or traveling. Or sushi. Having things in common is a good point of entry—it serves as a solid conversation starter on a dating app, at any rate—but your future husband doesn’t need to want to go to the Eras Tour with you in order to be right for you.
As long as there are some things you enjoy talking about or doing together, then what’s far more important are other things on this list (particularly #4)!
2. Chemistry
You might not need to share a ton of common interests, but you do, however, need to want to have sex with your spouse. In fact, if you’re interested in a more run-of-the-mill monogamous relationship, then they’re really the only person you need to find attractive.
This should be so obvious it’s not worth stating. But personally, I used to think sexual attraction was a “nice to have,” not a necessity.
I dug into this deeper in Forever Alone, but it took me a long time to overcome the baggage I had around feeling superficial for wanting to be attracted to my partner.
I told myself for years that if he was smart, and funny, and treated me well, then it shouldn’t matter if I wasn’t that attracted to him. But over time I came to realize that in forcing myself to be sexually involved with someone my body recoiled from, I was inflicting a form of trauma on myself.
Of course, a lot of us get in trouble on the opposite end of the spectrum, too—when we’re soooo attracted to someone that we lose all sense and throw our needs and values out the window. That’s not healthy, either.
But let’s be clear: It is completely natural and reasonable to desire physical attraction and chemistry in your romantic relationship. And it is a necessary component of a healthy, satisfying partnership. Full stop.
3. Character Traits
This is another way of saying “personality.”
I’d file things in this column like: How introverted/extroverted you are, your sense of humor, how intense or laid back you tend to be, your sense of style or adventure, your artistic sensibility, etc.
Obviously two personalities don’t need to be the same—there’s something to be said for the “golden retriever boyfriend” and “black cat girlfriend”—but they do need to complement each other.
Personally, I was looking for someone with a dry sense of humor who wasn’t too extroverted. A goofball who can’t stop telling dad jokes, loves playing pranks, and whose idea of a good time is spending the weekends at multiple social events is great for someone, but definitely not for me.
As it turns out, I ended up with someone who’s even more introverted than I am, and I love it. He’s ready to leave parties even before I am (what a gift! lol). He’s a little more pessimistic (but I enjoy his curmudgeonliness most of the time), and I’m a bit more optimistic (which he appreciates). There’s alignment and contrast, without anything being TOO drastically different.
4. Core Values
If Character Traits are “How you’re wired” and Common Interests are “What you like to do” then Core Values are “How you want to live your life.” And there’s nothing more critical to a thriving longterm healthy relationship than alignment on how you choose to live your lives together.
These are some big pillars I identified when I was dating, and my values around them—values that I very clearly communicated to any man who expressed interest in dating me:
Marriage: I’m seeking a serious relationship that leads to marriage. Lifelong partnership is great for some, but I require the legally binding bit!
Sex: I’m only interested in being physically intimate with someone within the bounds of a committed relationship. And “exclusively dating” does not qualify as a commitment, in my book. In order to feel safe and comfortable moving to a physical level, I need to be asked to be your girlfriend, and we need to have a mutual understanding about what the title boyfriend/girlfriend actually means, and our expectations of each other on that front.
Family: I’d like to have children (preferably two—I’m probably not open to more than that) in the very near future. So I need a potential partner to not only want kids as well, but be on a similar timeline for having them.
Money: I’m content with a relatively simple lifestyle, but one of my biggest desires is to be a (mostly) stay-at-home mom, at least until my kids are in school full-time. I’m willing to contribute to the household on a part-time basis, but I need a partner who’s happy to pull the weight, financially speaking, of providing for the family for the first 5+ years of having children.
Religion: I consider myself very spiritual—I’m a big believer in the Universe and have a strong relationship with my own version of a higher power—but I’m not religious at all. I need a partner who can respect my beliefs and is not incredibly dogmatic about his own. Someone who identifies as very religious is probably not for me, then.
Health: My physical, mental, and emotional well-being is paramount to me. I’ll happily forgo buying new clothes in favor of organic groceries and oodles of supplements. I also made the choice to stop drinking alcohol almost a decade ago and have zero interest in ever drinking again. I don’t mind if my partner drinks occasionally, but if it’s central to his lifestyle then that won’t work for me.
Growth: My entire career has revolved around me helping people work through their deep blocks, figure out who they are and what they want, and do the hard-but-valuable work of growing as a person. Evolution is core to who I am. I need to be with someone who’s open-minded to new ideas, who’s willing to self-reflect and take ownership of his patterns, and who actively wants to work on bettering himself and the relationship.
Integrity: I’m someone who makes a huge effort to speak the truth and live life in alignment with my values. I do what I say I’m going to do and I expect the same from a partner.
This isn’t an exhaustive list, and keep in mind, it’s my list. Yours may look very different, and that’s great!
But I can’t tell you how helpful it was to have spelled this out for myself ahead of time—how many men I never had to waste time going out with, because I got clear up front where they stood on these core values. And how many second dates I didn’t have to go on, because I saw clear evidence early on that it wasn’t a fit.
I remember one first date, in particular, where a guy was giving me a little insight into why his last relationship hadn’t worked out. He said, “She wanted me to care more about things that I just didn’t care about. Like she wanted to put effort into making nice dinners, and I didn’t understand why we couldn’t just eat sandwiches off paper plates.”
I was immediately out. And I can just hear the naysayers spouting off, like, “Wow, that’s harsh! It was just one thing. Give him a real chance.”
But I don’t need to give someone a chance when they hand me evidence that our values clash. This guy just told me, “I don’t value making an effort when it comes to my diet.” And I very much value that. If I tried to make it work with him, we’d both end up unhappy and resentful—just like his last relationship. So thank you, next.
5. Chronology
This is one of my favorites, simply because I don’t hear it talked about often enough.
The question here is: “Do our timelines match up?”
A couple years ago I met a guy who I really thought could’ve been it for me. He checked ALL of my boxes when it came to the other 5 C’s. But he was a year younger than me and he was very much in his career-building era.
He wanted marriage and children to the same degree I did, but it was important to him to be at a place in his career where he felt fully capable of providing for a family before he settled down and had kids. And in his estimation, that probably wouldn’t have been for another 5 years.
As an almost 34-year-old woman at the time, that wasn’t going to work for me. Not only did I feel completely ready for both of those things in the present, but waiting until my late 30’s to even start trying for kids was a big no for me.
I think a lot of people bristle at the idea of giving up on someone “just” because your timelines don’t match up. But I think being on completely different pages about when things should happen leads to tension and resentment.
I trusted that if someone was truly right for me, my timeline would easily and naturally align with theirs.
And lo and behold, that trust paid off. When I met my soon-to-be husband he was very on board with my desire to get married and have kids sooner rather than later. And clearly, it ended up happening much sooner than either of us anticipated! But because we were already on the same page about our Chronology, as well as the other 5 C’s, it meant we didn’t have a complete freakout when life threw us a curveball. We knew what we wanted—we were just getting it a little sooner than we expected.
6. Courtship
Fun fact: I originally came up with only 5 C’s of Compatibility, but I kept accidentally saying “the 6 C’s” whenever I referred to it—maybe I subconsciously knew the list wasn’t complete! In any case, one of my clients (you know who you are!) offered me up the sixth and final C, and it’s a brilliant addition.
Courtship, in this context, is how you’re being wooed. It’s particularly important to consider if you’re a woman who prefers to operate from a place of feminine energy. As in, you’d rather a man take more (or even most) of the action when it comes to pursuing a relationship.
Weirdly, in 2024 a lot of women feel mildly ashamed to admit that they want to be pursued. That they want a man with healthy masculine energy to demonstrate interest, consistency, and follow-through by asking you out on dates, making plans, communicating frequently, paying for dates, etc.
If that’s your preference, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
As someone with an anxious attachment style who gets very triggered and uneasy when it comes to inconsistency and lack of follow-through, it was SO important to me to learn up front how much I could trust a man to continue showing up and displaying interest.
For that reason, I challenged myself over the past few years of dating to step back and do way less than 50% of the heavy lifting. I’d let a man text me “good morning” 2 or 3 days in a row before I’d initiate a “good morning” first. I’d wait, sometimes painstakingly, for an invitation for a date, rather than allow my impatience and anxiety to jump the gun.
I came to realize that if I was taking too much action; if I was doing too much of the emotional labor when it came to communicating, that I’d never know just how interested and committed a man was to getting to know me.
By the time I met my future husband I’d had a fair amount of practice at this, and it paid off. Even though it gave me a TON of anxiety to wait for his texts, my patience was always rewarded with communication. And the healthy masculine energy he demonstrated with his texting style translated to everything else, too. He always planned incredibly thoughtful, personal dates. And he’d usually show up to those dates with little gifts.
I didn’t have to wonder if he was serious about me, because I allowed him to show me. And I, in turn, proved my interest in him by being receptive to his efforts—which is the healthy feminine counterpoint to healthy masculine energy.
Allowing myself to be courted was such a gift to my spirit and nervous system. As a feminine woman it feels wonderful to know, without a doubt, that you’re cherished.
WHEW. And there you have it, The 6 C’s. I really hope this will make your dating life even the tiniest bit easier.
And, I know from plenty of coaching experience that sometimes clarifying your 6 C’s brings up a host of new questions and issues, like:
OK, but how do I actually communicate these to someone?
And when would I communicate all of this? Are there some things that are more important to communicate up front, and some that could wait until later?
How do I tell the difference between “must haves” and “nice to haves” on my list?
What if I secretly fear that it’s not possible for me to find someone who aligns with all the elements of my 6 C’s?
And even if I did find someone with a lot of potential alignment, I’m scared that sharing all of this would spook them.
I’ve heard all of that, and more, before. So if you’re feeling any of the above, never fear, I'll be working on a follow-up post to dive into all of that. Stay tuned!